Build Respect, Not Regrets

We all know that  couple that argues about everything.  When we look at them we wonder why they are together.  Are you that couple?  Have you ever made yourself a promise to not be that couple? 

Having disagreements with your partner is a human thing.  It’s nothing to be ashamed of and it can be handled without becoming heated.  You just need a few ground rules to make sure it doesn’t get out of hand. 

8 Ground Rules For Hard Conversations

1.      Do not discuss the situation while either of you are angry.  Take a break, walk away, and calm down.  Once you are both calm, then it’s okay to have that conversation.  When you start a conversation already angry, it’s hard to get your point across and could to a big argument.  Instead, set an appointment for when you can discuss the situation calmly.  It’s easier to resolve a situation if you come from a place of love.  That leaves you open to hearing what the other person is trying to say.

2.      This is a private discussion.  When a couple has the hard conversations, they need to feel like they can speak freely and safely.  Respect their rights to speak freely to you without all of their personal feeling being put out there into the world.  And under no circulmstances should you put it on social media.  Respect your partner and your relationship.

3.      Pay without interruption.  One of the hardest things to do is to be quite and allow someone to complete their thoughts – especially when you have your own opinions.  However, think of how you would feel if they interrupted you while you were trying to get your point across.  Give them the respect you would want them to give you.

4.      Listen to hear, not to respond. Pay attention to what your partner is saying.  Don’t sit there and try to come up with a response to what they’re saying.  When you listen to respond, you miss their point and sometimes you miss the entire conversation.  Instead, look into their eyes while they are talking.  Try to see their point of view.  When they are done speaking, start your part of the conversation with, “What I heard you say is…  Is that right?”  This way they know you were listening and you are trying to understand what they’re saying.   You will know that you are hearing what they’re saying and nothing is being misunderstood.

5.      Be respectful to each other.   Do not blame them.  Do not accuse them of anything.  Do not use inflammatory language.  Do not raise your voice.  Do not criticize them.  Do not use words like “you always” or “you never”.  Instead, make “I” statements like “I don’t like it when you…because…” or “I was hurt when you…because it reminded me of …”  This takes the blame from them and explains why you were upset.  Do not be condescending and do not call them names.  Remember that you love this person and talk to them with the love you have instead of the hurt or anger of the situation.

6.      Do not bring up the past.  Stick to the subject at hand.  Bringing up the past will also bring up old resentments and cause bigger problems.  If one of you bring up a past problem, the conversation should be steered away or tabled for another time.

7.      Allow everyone to talk.  One-sided conversations are lectures and will not come to a resolution.  Both parties should be allowed to voice their side of the situation and have the chance to understand the other side. 

8.      If the conversation gets heated, press pause.  If you don’t come to a resolution, it’s okay to reschedule it for another time.  Rescheduling a discussion is better than allowing it to blow up.  DO NOT bring up the conversation at a time other than the scheduled time.  This gives you both time to cool off and figure out a different way to come to a resolution.

Remember that you love this person.  You are having this conversation to make things right not make things worse. 

It’s always a good idea to start these discussions with each partner telling the other 3 things they love about each other.  This makes the conversation start with love.  It makes you feel the love you have for each other.  And it puts you in a positive frame of mind before tackling the hard issues. 

“The best person to talk to about the problems in your relationship is the person you’re in a relationship with.”